all i need is a miracle

Trying to connect these dots:

• underground behemoth fighting
  
• running on walls
  
• exploding an airship with a fire hydrant
  
• Jetski playing chicken with an eighteen-wheeler
  
• Vincent Valentine as the John Wayne drifter
  
• a diner where even the coffee has a film of grease

01. Why Ethers Are Expensive and Do Not Go in the Microwave: A Horror Story

Let me explain: it starts with the fact that Tifa does not watch over Denzel all the time. Sometimes Cloud is home long enough she leaves the kids with him. And sometimes Cloud would rather sharpen every blade in First Tsurugi than, yaknow, pay complete attention. If they're quiet, he's cool (shows you EXACTLY how much Cloud knows about kids). Denzel watches the preview for the next episode of Battle Gone Bad, which is what happens when Ethers, Potions, and Elixirs expire for various reasons, and decides that they should heat a pair of Ethers.

Ethers are made of a homemade blueberry syrup, alcohol, light carbonation, mint, and a Philtre of Lifestream. They tend to become mostly alcohol when heated. As alcohol is a depressant, this makes them mostly useless in battle when taken by adults.

Denzel is 11. Marlene is 6. They have one Ether each. This does not end well.

In the end, Marlene is falling-down drunk, and Denzel's not much better off, not to mention there's some sort of weird alcoholic blueberry syrup with glowing bubbles ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. And somehow, this is all Cloud's fault.

Yeah, there are perils to living with the best martial artist in the world.

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02. A fic based on this song. Watch me cringe in shame. FFVII, YV, mindless fluff (most likely post-DoC).